Bismillah, Hello everyone. The last time I updated this blog was a year ago. Now, I'm already in my 3rd semester degree. Alhamdulillah, everything went well. I achieved dean's list every semester and I'm still working on it to be consistent. There was a pandemic hitting the country last year on March and it went downhill from there. My father lost his job and I'm staying home till now for online class. It was quiet a stressful time for me to cope with my studies and do unstoppable chores like a housewife. But anyway, I think this pandemic has shown us a lot of things as well. When the first MCO happened, everyone stayed at home. We were able to do solat jemaah everyday and tazkirah and had dinner/lunch/breakfast together everyday. The best part was last year, my aunt got married. She's 32 and she was the closest to me. When she got married, I felt like I lose somebody. I'm both hurt and happy. Now, she is expecting her first child. I hope that kid looks like me so she knows how much she loves me haha just kidding. I am still single. Still. No changes about that. Oh, there is also one part of my story where I think I am recovering from my depression. I was able to talk to my mom about how she makes me feel after days not talking to her lol. I was really hurting. It was somehow childhood trauma blabla. I needed and crave for her attention, the compliment, the recognition of my hard work. I want to feel like she sees what I did. What I've been working on is for her and my dad. I want them to live a happier life, for god sake I'm really working on it. I'm tired. I just want her to see that and what I do house chores I want her to thank me not because I did it but just because she sees it. I'm telling you guys I'm crying right now.

okay I'm done, see you another year. lol 

Hi. 2019 is coming tomorrow and I'll be 21 soon. lol

I've been thinking lately. What will happen to me in another few years. Will I have the same desire as I have now? Am i going to be a better muslim or what. It bothers me and sometime I can't help but to think that it's the end of the world anyway. I should just care about my deeds to be judge later and not care bout anything else.

oh my god, i'm sorry i just rant on the last day of 2018. I should be more positive. sigh

The thing is I may be stress out for what coming after me, we all are. But that is not the way i'm going to live right now, "stressing". I'll be more positive and calmly finish my studies and just go with the flow. What happens, happened. I'm going to be stronger and more grateful for what I have and what Allah has planned for me. I'm not going to look back to the people who leaves me, I'll be nice to the people who reappear and appreciate those who stays up until now. I've learnt from 2018, things gonna get tougher in this world. It is how you control and manage it. No one is perfect, like NO ONE. If you meet someone who thinks that they are better than you, remember that they will soon realize they are making a huge mistake especially when they look down you. You are going to take the challenge and improve yourself to be better and prove to them that you aren't  the person you think they are. If you are losing your shit, you're going to get up and start changing things as it suppose to be. You are not going be sad over little things that ruins your life. You are much better than that. If you think you are lacking as a muslim and you think it's too humiliating to start learning again, you are wrong. You need to take one step after another slowly to Him and He will come back to you 10x faster. If you are depress, HELP YOURSELF FIRST. I've been doing it wrong this whole time by telling myself that I need help. While helping myself is much more important. No one gonna help you if you aren't helping yourself, even if you get the help you need if you don't bother caring bout it, then there is no point in that. Lastly, whatever struggles that you are facing right now. Allah will help you get through it. He knows your struggle so make doa and He will answer it sooner or later. You need to know that you can be sad over your struggle because you're an awesome human being. You are gifted with feeling sad, happiness, anger etc. Those people who told you that you need to stop feeling sad because other had it worse is not a bad person they are just a bad adviser. Other people may had it worse than you, but sometime they are gifted with a better way with handling their problems. 

It's a good thing if you can see their struggles as a motivation for you to be stronger, that's great. But please don't give up on yourself because Allah don't give up on you when you stop depends on Him. He loves you. 

Let's start being better together and make the world a better place to live. 

Believe me, Allah loves you more than anyone loves you. He will never leaves you. 

You can do this! 

With love and doa, 

shashu. 

Same. 

Especially when it comes to losing weight. I swear I am only be gaining weight oh my god. 

But at least, there's one thing that I am proudly able to achieve. 

Since 2014, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and it sucks. I tried so many things not too think about it and of course to stop having it. I went to college and hoping to start a new life with new environment. It start just fine alhamdulillah but then things gone wrong. When I thought that I no longer have anxiety, it became worse where I was diagnosed with depression. I slept too much, no longer interested in anything I once have passion for and I just don't want to do anything. 

When my studies are on edge, that's when I decided to help myself. I seek for professional helps and of course I start to take medication to "lessen the sadness". I'm sure a lot of you who have been going through it will understand. It was bad really, I cried everyday about everything and even worse when I attempted suicide a few times which was bad but only God knows how I feel at that moment. 

I had nobody except Him. I was giving up on myself and anything. I hated myself and the life i was living in. Why? because I always tried to be the nicest person for everyone and yet people do bad things towards me. I always ask Him why because I thought I have been good enough so I don't deserve being treated that way. I was wrong. 

September 2018,

I start to realize that no matter how long or how much I consume my anti-depressant it just won't work unless I do something about myself. So, I start SLOWLY with accepting myself or in other words stop hating myself. I really hate myself before so when I start to love myself a lil bit, I start to push away people who don't appreciate me and focus more on people who did. Those hatred that people have on me doesn't affect me anymore and that's a really good start. I don't bother myself with the person I need to be to impress people and focus on being a better version of myself to satisfy me. Alhamdulillah again, i stop consuming any medicine for my depression and I felt a lot better. 

Dear people, 

I am sharing this today because I want to put this horrible memories behind me. I am not ashamed of who I was or what I went through as it is have brought both bad and good for me but most important is, it has taught me a great lesson and brings out a better version of myself. I know it is not the same for everyone but I hope if you are going through something similar. This can be a good start for you. 

I would like to remind everyone that if you have any friends who are going through this horrible things, please please please be a good listener. If you are not a good adviser, at least be there and listen to them. This little things help to ease the burden honestly. People like us tend to feel as if no one is there for us. But knowing that there is at least one person we can talk to make us feel less sad.  

When we talk about resolution,

beside losing weight lol one thing that is always in my list is "to be a better person". 

We can always a be a better person everyday at least to our self, people and our family. 

I think that's all for today. 

Adios. 

This is the longest week for me, it has been really hard these day. 

Migraine sucks but anxiety was even harder to handle I swear.

Even the sky was crying non-stop for the past few days and since today the weather is pretty good I guess I should stop too. What's happening to me? I kept on saying that to myself that I have no reason to be sad at all but I just can't hide the facts that something bothers me and it feels sucks.The only thing I want to do is to cry and maybe roll on the bed all day. You know how it feels right?

11.00 a.m 25th of January 2017

I hope today will be better than before. I hope I can improve myself to be a better person.

I hope who ever crosses my mind will be granted Jannah since it's the best dua someone could pray for you. I hope who ever thinks of me will forgive whatever sins I did to them and pray the best for me.

I hope the upcoming day will be days where Allah bless my family, friends,teachers and also myself. I hope whoever in pains right now will realize that Allah will help them as long as the seek for Him. I hope whoever feels lonely right now, Allah will send someone to them and comforts them.It may be whoever that Alah redha to be with them. They should know that Allah is always be with them because in the end it is going to be you and Allah only. I hope whoever smiling and had a good day today will kept on have a good day because there are no reasons for you to be sad. I hope whoever are sick or have people around them that are sick will be granted with a good health. Remember that Allah gives you sickness because he loves you. He wants to lessen your sins. I hope whoever stops praying or  takes praying to Allah carelessly will be gifted with taufiq and hidayah from Allah Taala. Please do not miss your prayers just because you think that you did too much sins and you don't deserve a forgiveness. No, never give up. Keep on trying, whoever you are, I will support you to go back to our Creator even if the people around you don't. I hope whoever thinks of convert into Islam will do so because Islam is a beautiful and calm religion, please muslims are human too we make mistakes but Islam has no flaws at all. I hope girls who fall in love but the time hasn't come yet please take care of your hearts and your pride. Your parents took care of you all your life not to let your heart breaks by a guy who you just met. Remember that your family loves you so much that's why the stops you from doing so many things that they think might hurts you. When the right time comes, congratulation, please be happy and be a good wife. I hope boys stops playing with any girl feelings and be a good and righteous man for your family and yourself. You are a future leader for your country or the least to your family. You don't want some guy hurts your sisters or daughters don't you. I believe in you guys, your family believes in you that is why they didn't stop you a lot like they did to their daughters because they knew you can take care of yourself. Last but not least, it's okay to cry to make you feel better then sleep and the by the time you wake up, smile,bring back the positivity and have faith in Allah.

Thank you, please forgive me and pray for me. Assalamualaikum.

I'm already 17 and it will be less than 3 months before I finish highschool.

I really just can't imagine how my life will be after highschool. fuh- /lap peluh/

So, 

bila cakap pasal 17 tahun of course SPM. /mengeluh/

Bila tah nak ada kesedaran yang dah tak cukup masa lagi,.. 

ok, yang penting mohon doakan kejayaan i ok uolls lol. 

To be honest, I feel scared and nervous and sad but happy at the same time.

alah ngko mesti paham kan lepas ni banyak benda tak yah buat yg melibatkan sekolah ni aha-

sedih lah jugak sebab mesti rindu my friends nanti.

So,insyallah next post i''l post a picture of us the whole class. 

I really love each one of em. Kalau nk rewind balik, I think kan....

I actually do have memories with each one of em. 

Especially, syaminar dengan Amirulhan and not to forget syafiah,

Whatever it is, semua benda yang I feel happy to leave ada juga benda yang i rasa berat hati nak tingglkan. 

So, i think that's all for now. 

bye bye /waves/