Hi. 2019 is coming tomorrow and I'll be 21 soon. lol

I've been thinking lately. What will happen to me in another few years. Will I have the same desire as I have now? Am i going to be a better muslim or what. It bothers me and sometime I can't help but to think that it's the end of the world anyway. I should just care about my deeds to be judge later and not care bout anything else.

oh my god, i'm sorry i just rant on the last day of 2018. I should be more positive. sigh

The thing is I may be stress out for what coming after me, we all are. But that is not the way i'm going to live right now, "stressing". I'll be more positive and calmly finish my studies and just go with the flow. What happens, happened. I'm going to be stronger and more grateful for what I have and what Allah has planned for me. I'm not going to look back to the people who leaves me, I'll be nice to the people who reappear and appreciate those who stays up until now. I've learnt from 2018, things gonna get tougher in this world. It is how you control and manage it. No one is perfect, like NO ONE. If you meet someone who thinks that they are better than you, remember that they will soon realize they are making a huge mistake especially when they look down you. You are going to take the challenge and improve yourself to be better and prove to them that you aren't  the person you think they are. If you are losing your shit, you're going to get up and start changing things as it suppose to be. You are not going be sad over little things that ruins your life. You are much better than that. If you think you are lacking as a muslim and you think it's too humiliating to start learning again, you are wrong. You need to take one step after another slowly to Him and He will come back to you 10x faster. If you are depress, HELP YOURSELF FIRST. I've been doing it wrong this whole time by telling myself that I need help. While helping myself is much more important. No one gonna help you if you aren't helping yourself, even if you get the help you need if you don't bother caring bout it, then there is no point in that. Lastly, whatever struggles that you are facing right now. Allah will help you get through it. He knows your struggle so make doa and He will answer it sooner or later. You need to know that you can be sad over your struggle because you're an awesome human being. You are gifted with feeling sad, happiness, anger etc. Those people who told you that you need to stop feeling sad because other had it worse is not a bad person they are just a bad adviser. Other people may had it worse than you, but sometime they are gifted with a better way with handling their problems. 

It's a good thing if you can see their struggles as a motivation for you to be stronger, that's great. But please don't give up on yourself because Allah don't give up on you when you stop depends on Him. He loves you. 

Let's start being better together and make the world a better place to live. 

Believe me, Allah loves you more than anyone loves you. He will never leaves you. 

You can do this! 

With love and doa, 

shashu. 

Same. 

Especially when it comes to losing weight. I swear I am only be gaining weight oh my god. 

But at least, there's one thing that I am proudly able to achieve. 

Since 2014, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and it sucks. I tried so many things not too think about it and of course to stop having it. I went to college and hoping to start a new life with new environment. It start just fine alhamdulillah but then things gone wrong. When I thought that I no longer have anxiety, it became worse where I was diagnosed with depression. I slept too much, no longer interested in anything I once have passion for and I just don't want to do anything. 

When my studies are on edge, that's when I decided to help myself. I seek for professional helps and of course I start to take medication to "lessen the sadness". I'm sure a lot of you who have been going through it will understand. It was bad really, I cried everyday about everything and even worse when I attempted suicide a few times which was bad but only God knows how I feel at that moment. 

I had nobody except Him. I was giving up on myself and anything. I hated myself and the life i was living in. Why? because I always tried to be the nicest person for everyone and yet people do bad things towards me. I always ask Him why because I thought I have been good enough so I don't deserve being treated that way. I was wrong. 

September 2018,

I start to realize that no matter how long or how much I consume my anti-depressant it just won't work unless I do something about myself. So, I start SLOWLY with accepting myself or in other words stop hating myself. I really hate myself before so when I start to love myself a lil bit, I start to push away people who don't appreciate me and focus more on people who did. Those hatred that people have on me doesn't affect me anymore and that's a really good start. I don't bother myself with the person I need to be to impress people and focus on being a better version of myself to satisfy me. Alhamdulillah again, i stop consuming any medicine for my depression and I felt a lot better. 

Dear people, 

I am sharing this today because I want to put this horrible memories behind me. I am not ashamed of who I was or what I went through as it is have brought both bad and good for me but most important is, it has taught me a great lesson and brings out a better version of myself. I know it is not the same for everyone but I hope if you are going through something similar. This can be a good start for you. 

I would like to remind everyone that if you have any friends who are going through this horrible things, please please please be a good listener. If you are not a good adviser, at least be there and listen to them. This little things help to ease the burden honestly. People like us tend to feel as if no one is there for us. But knowing that there is at least one person we can talk to make us feel less sad.  

When we talk about resolution,

beside losing weight lol one thing that is always in my list is "to be a better person". 

We can always a be a better person everyday at least to our self, people and our family. 

I think that's all for today. 

Adios.